from the outermost reaches of the cosmos

creepytwitteratreplies: And now for our very first “Creepy...

Mon, 03 Sep 2012 17:42:25 -0400

And now for our very first “Creepy Twitter Account” submission, I present to you…this guy. Yay.

Click the picture to be transported to a far away creepy land.

Happy

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 07:38:56 -0400

Being happy is like sleeping on a shitty recliner, one that lays flat if you put your weight on it, but doesn’t lock into place. You know the ones I’m talking about? The footrest locks but the backrest lays back only if you keep it laid back using your weight.

I hate those freakin’ chairs.

You can relax, but you can’t relax too much. This is like happiness. The world is such a problematic shithole, maintaining happiness requires at least low-level vigilance. The minute you get SO relaxed that you fall asleep— or so happy that you’re entirely careless— the recliner snaps upright. As the True Grit character Mattie Ross said, “You must pay for everything in this world, one way and another. There is nothing free except the grace of God.”

Maybe one solution, in both cases, is obesity. Or a dog* spooning your head (*a neutered dog)

Weird looking bird! (Taken with Instagram)

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 13:20:30 -0400

Weird looking bird! (Taken with Instagram)

laurencesmb: alecshao: Ran Ortner - Swell, 2006 - oil on...

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 15:10:44 -0400

laurencesmb:

alecshao:

Ran Ortner - Swell, 2006 - oil on canvas

holy wow

Taken with Instagram

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 07:56:27 -0400

Taken with Instagram

“Yo Mr. Cody, how many these mushrooms I gotta eat fo’ I Super Mario da fuck outta dis place?”

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 11:36:07 -0400

"Hey Dustin! Getcha ass ova here! We buildin' bird feeders! Peanut butter pinecone craft time motherfucka!"

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 11:35:15 -0400

“E.J. back there havin’ a starin’ contest with da sun, slowin' down the whole pack… homeboy shoulda gone to Space Camp.”

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 11:34:35 -0400

paulbunyansdick: Poor Sasquatch, is he a figment of his own...

Sat, 19 May 2012 07:35:49 -0400

paulbunyansdick:

Poor Sasquatch, is he a figment of his own imagination?

Sometimes I get sad.

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 05:54:01 -0400

bigbadblake:

But then I remember that soon I may be happy. And hope is like electricity.

Photo

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 00:37:08 -0400

17, I’m on the left. No idea why I tweet —OTHER...

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 17:44:00 -0400

17, I’m on the left.

No idea why I tweet —OTHER THAN TO MAKE MORTAL ENEMIES— but I’m pretty sure it isn’t to jumpstart a career in comedy. No work could be as fun as the stuff me and my buddies filmed every summer, and no fame as grand as hearing about VHS copies-of-VHS copies of our movies being passed around schools that we didn’t even attend.

nokittythatsmypotpie: @bridger_w and @ShittingtonUK bickering —...

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 19:46:35 -0400

nokittythatsmypotpie:

@bridger_w and @ShittingtonUK bickering — preserved for posterity

Duh

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 18:18:00 -0400

AND YES I KNOW THE GREEN AREA OF THAT MAP IS MEXICO. WHAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW IS THAT “MEXICO” IS BASICALLY DIRT THAT FLOATS ON TOP OF A BIG SEA. YOU CAN SWIM UNDER MEXICO, HOW DO YOU THINK THE MAYANS INFILTRATE OUR BORDERS?

THEY HAVE GILLS, GOSH DARNIT.

“MAP MEME” I have visited nowhere in the world...

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 18:15:13 -0400

“MAP MEME”

I have visited nowhere in the world besides these areas of the oceans. Underwater. AND I NEVER EVEN BROKE THE SURFACE.

Photo

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 02:34:31 -0400

Nature

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 03:23:00 -0500

Not everything I write here is twitter commentary I delete the next day once it’s aired out because you gotta keep it light. If you stop having fun with the stuff you dream up, what’s the point? Anyway, when I get goin’ with my real pals over a drink, we have a quality time in the joke department. We do fine; nothing gets missed.

By the way my mother has cancer. I just remembered this:

I’m living at home. I wake up. I discover a note taped to the front door. In the big Sharpie letters of my mother’s handwriting, it instructs us all to “be quiet on the front porch” for the sake of a dove that’s made a nest in one of the hanging plants. I go outside and look around. I don’t see anything. And then I do: between the yellow and pink flowers, from the bright green depths of the plant, I see the bird’s two black eyes. It stares at me; I stare at it. And that’s sorta like where we are with my mother’s cancer.

What if Star Wars Episode 1 was good?

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 17:06:37 -0500

What if Star Wars Episode 1 was good?:

This breaks the heart, because it is true.

Lowbrow

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 22:39:51 -0500

I had a girlfriend. We were watching The Skeleton Key. I said: “This movie sucks. I refuse to watch any more of this idiotic film. We should be watching Kurosawa or Jean-Luc Godard. Come on, turn it off. This is bullshit.”

What I was thinking: “This sucky idiotic movie is going to give me nightmares. Can’t let her know I’m scared, so I’d better act pretentious.”

AND THUS I TWIRLED MY MUSTACHE.

Photo

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 20:53:25 -0500